


Agency X, how may I assist you?

by merycula (thanksillpass)



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, M/M, alternate universe - pest control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 02:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanksillpass/pseuds/merycula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which Peter calls pest control to have something removed from his apartment and Wade just happens to be the only one available for the job</p>
            </blockquote>





	Agency X, how may I assist you?

“Agency X – eXterminating gross crawling thingies you want eXterminated, Inez speaking, how may I assist you?”

Peter let out a sigh of relief – finally someone answered! Even if they didn’t seem overly professional. Peter was desperate enough. “I need someone to come right now, I have an infestation of spiders in my apartment! It’s an apocalypse, I need someone  _yesterday_!”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that, sir, truly, but I sincerely recommend trying some other pest control agency.”

“But I have tried  _everyone_! It’s like they don’t even exist! It’s a save me, you’re my only hope situation!”

“Ah, I see, sir, unfortunately, everyone is dispatched at the moment, I wish I could help you, but-”

Peter whined as he squished another spider under his shoe. “You really don’t have anyone? No one? Not even a rookie? An intern? Do you do internships? _Please_ , I have them in my hair!”

“I’m really sorry, sir, but only our boss is available now, thus I strongly advise waiting for someone else to answer, or until one of our workers return.”

“What? Why? You just said you have a guy available! I want him, I want him in my apartment now!”

“Yes, sir, but you don’t understand-”

“Lady,  _you’re_  the one who doesn’t understand! Every spider in New York _state_  just moved into my apartment! Tell your boss to come here  _right this instant!_  I’m scared…”

Inez sighed in defeat. “Of course, sir, as you wish. May I ask your address?”

***

When the doorbell rang, Peter was crouching on the kitchen table, vehemently hitting the floor with a broom. “It’s open!”

The door opened and Peter saw a true God, a fully equipped Savior, a masked Judgment Day. “Hey, there, sweetums,” the man greeted, waving his hand.  _Sweetums?_  “Oh shit, I just saw a spider!”

“That’s why I called you here, genius! You exterminate gross crawling thingies. I have  _gross_  spiders  _crawling_  all over my place. You’re here to _exterminate_  them!”

“What?” the man squeaked, jumping onto the table next to Peter. “No, no way! I’m afraid of spiders! I’m gonna kill Inez, that bitch!”

“You’re afraid of spiders?!” Peter yelled in shock. “Don’t you think you have made some ill career choices?”

“Agency X is not mine! My twin, Alex – I’m Wade, by the way – got so fat he can’t even move anymore, so I’m covering for him in hopes of finally getting some action like they do in porno movies!”

Peter couldn’t hold back a sob that escaped him; he was doomed, done for, dead! Why didn’t he listen to sweet, wise Inez, oh why! She  _tried_  not to send him a total failure of a pest exterminator and a human being! Porn with pest control? Where did he even find something like that?

“Don’t cry, baby boy, I’m sure we can last at least one night with no food or water until someone comes to the rescue.”

“Stop calling me weird names!” Peter growled. His hands were shaking. “My name is Peter and you  _suck_!”

“Oh my, Petey, but we just  _met_!”

Peter slapped his own face with his hand not to start choking Wade until all his frustration and pain went away. He opted for his best death glare, but he couldn’t tell Wade’s reaction from under his mask. “What do we do now?”

“Depends. How religious are you?”

***

They were sitting back to back, whining about their respective jobs. Wade magnanimously admitted that being a photographer for Daily Bugle was way worse than being a pretend-boss of Agency X. When Wade asked about Peter’s love life – [what was that,  _The Room_?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVvfau1fWrI) – Peter blushed like an idiot and changed the subject.

“Aren’t you hot in this suit?”

“Why, thank you very much, does that mean you’re single?”

Peter wanted to protest and maybe hit Wade in the back of his empty – save for dirty thoughts – head, but then he saw a giant spider walking on the table. He shrieked and got on his feet, grabbing Wade’s arm and forcing him to get up. “They’re already  _here_! We can’t stay, we gotta run, Wade. We need to get out of this apartment. We need to get out of this apartment and then burn it to the ground.”

“Great. How?”

“I’ll go first, try to clear the way for you. Then every man fends for himself.” Peter got to the edge of the table and resisted the urge to jump with his eyes closed. “Watch my back.”

He tightened his grip on the broomstick and carefully got on the floor. As he brushed countless spiders aside, Wade said, “It’s a very nice back. I like the way the muscles flex when you move your arms. I bet the scratch marks I would leave on it would look really hot.”

Peter turned around to look at Wade with eyes wide with horror. “Are you being fucking serious right now because I can’t fucking believe you.”

Wade only shrugged and Peter imagined his mouth stretching into a grin under that  _stupid, useless_  mask.

***

“Agency X – eXterminating-”

“Hi, Inez, is Wade there? Also, you could try to sound a little less excited when saying this, really. People are gonna start thinking you’re high on pest control substances.”

“Peter, sunshine, how are you?” Inez drawled, obviously happy to talk to him. She must have been really bored. “Wade looked sad this morning, does this mean you’re no longer staying with him?”

“Inez, I told you, I was staying with my aunt, and it was  _months_  ago! Wade is sad because Alex is coming back today and he never got the chance to reenact his dream porn scenario.”

“How do you know about that and I don’t?”

“You don’t know about the porn thing? I thought everyone knew about the porn thing.”

“No, not the porn thing, of course I know about this, geez! I mean the Alex thing! How come I don’t know anything about this and you do!”

“It may have something to do with the fact you don’t talk to Wade…”

“Oh please, as if you two ever do anything else than f-”

Peter heard muffled sounds of struggle and protest. Inez screeched and then Wade was on the line. “Did she finally convince you to dump me?” Wade panted into the phone.

Peter chuckled. “Ah, she nearly got me this time. You should watch her, she’s getting really good at this.”

“Damn her and her feminine wiles. I’m still the boss for today, I can still fire her!”

“You won’t, you love her,” Peter said softly. He knew Wade would miss her. “Wade, are you sure you and Alex can’t work something out without killing each other?”

Wade sighed. “Not a chance. But I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me, spiderminx.”

“I’ll stop worrying about you when you stop calling me that.”

“ _It’s romantic!”_

“It’s creepy and gross.”

Wade whined like a kicked dog and Peter couldn’t help snorting. “See you soon, Wade.”

“Yeah. See you soon.”


End file.
